Sound and light

There is a delay in seeing and speaking, or even being heard. It is a minimal delay. It is something so quick that we cannot sense it. 

but sometimes this delay is also long. 

length of time is relative to the speed of your thoughts.

Less thoughts and more time, more thoughts and less time. 

How can we become closer to being able to read what is about to happen. How can we think more before we make, do or be. We don’t just exist, we choose exactly who we want to be. We need to start empowering versus tearing down ourself before we start.  

Grateful for

I am grateful that I feel loved by others in that are in my life. I’m grateful for the company I keep. I’m grateful for the sky and the earth, and the sun and the moon.

The ants and the spiders and the leafs and birds. Watching them fly in patterns. And my arms. That they work. I can move and I can draw. I can run if I want to. I can see. I can drink eat and play if I want to.

Growth.

Grateful for the way in which nothing is the same for forever and nobody stops changing 

grateful for the support of my community and friends in my art practice. Grateful for my new found pushing against norm’s attitude in life and the questioning and boundary pushing I’ve been doing lately.  

 

Today

Today is hard.  

 

Today im crying and I don’t want to move. I always think so many thoughts but nothing is clear. I replay the good things and bad things in my head so much that I feel like I’m drowning in a pool of memories I don’t know what to make of. I hope for a positive day. I hope to know I’m on the right path lately... but it seems like all I can think is negative thoughts. When I’m feeling most hopeful, something bad happens. I stop caring. I stop wanting to be nice. All I can do is complain about things that are going wrong and things that are different than the way I want them to be. 

Trying to think positive lately only makes me think about things that I want to change, or what I could be doing better with what I have been given. I’m learning that my thoughts shape my reality, but if you let yourself think and speak in an ugly way, the ugly multiplies and starts coming out more and more. This only makes me more sad that I haven’t done my best to get out the negative before I put myself in a darker and more isolated place. 

i have to believe that happiness comes from within, and that you really should love yourself before you love anyone else. Loving someone requires the best version of you because it’s whats best for everyone. that’s not me right now. I hope one day I can love the way I want to. And that it becomes easy to let myself do this without fear of it ending in heartbreak. I hope I can be light again and be truly excited for the morning and the day to come. Today I’m not. Today I feel weak. Today I feel alone. Today I am sad. Today that’s ok. 

 

Today is just hard. 

 

Reasons to succeed

succeeding is important to me because it will allow me to:

 

do more hiking  

be healthy

pay for bills and insurance

be independent  

buy a house  

help my family and friends

set my own hours  

travel

be my own boss  

freedom and choices  

Guilty.

there is a cap on the amount of people that you can serve at once. There is a set amount of hours in a week.

Sometimes this leaves people feeling neglected. Sometimes people feel less wanted, needed or appreciated.  

Sometimes I am guilty of not following up. Sometimes I go for days without checking my texts and emails. Sometimes it is too much to handle replying all the time. Sometimes it is nice to do my own thing.

other times it leaves me feeling like I missed opportunities or let someone down.  

Butterflies

Vanessa cardui - painted lady - can live 12 months  

Monarchs - 6 to 8 weeks.  

Mayfly - one day  

 

butterflies can remind us that that nothing lasts forever and the time we have in this earth is limited  

Roses

roses symbolize balance, promise, hope, new beginnings, blooming, growing, beauty 

 

thorns symbolize loss and defensiveness. Thoughtlessness, pain, sharpness, boldness. 

Serve

The god I serve is able to help me.  

How big is your god?  

Shift your perspective and expect the least expected and the biggest dream.  

Abandonment

when we feel abandoned we assume that nobody cares and we start to give up. 

 

We start living in a mode where we feel defeated, and we need to break the cycle and just use that time to grow ourselves in some way.