Sometimes I get the feeling that I have experiences so that I can share them with the people in my life that I am closest to. Things happen to me so that I can give insight to the ones that could benefit from my experiences and use them to grow.
It must be a test. Do I share, or do I stay quiet?
Even when we don't know it, if we spoke, we might be saying exactly what is supposed to be said.
Sometimes I wonder if by not telling people what I think, or not telling them the way that I connect to the stories they tell me, am I doing them a disservice? Do they want to hear what I have to say anyways?
Will it even matter what I say, or will it scare people away from me, making them think I'm crazy? It often does this. Sharing changes the way that I am treated. It changes perceptions. Instead I tell half stories.
I would love to be able to say exactly what I'm thinking, when I think it. I dont want to fear that people will treat me differently based on what I tell them. I don't want to hide anything from anyone, anymore.
The sad fact of life is that some things we hide, stay hidden. Hidden forever. Interestingly enough we hide these things to protect ourselves. We could instead be sharing and facing these blocks in our lives and connecting with others that have struggled in the same way as us. We could be unafraid if we wanted to be.
But what will people think of these things? Why am I afraid of what they might think?
Once words are spoken they can't be taken back, but maybe we have to speak these irrevocable words, so that we can rid ourselves from their lingering memories.
Maybe one day me and you can speak easy. Maybe then I will begin to remember, and to be defined by a different vocabulary. Filling myself only with the things that I love, speaking freely about every single dang thing that my mind lands on.
One day we might have real conversation.