Today

Today is hard.  

 

Today im crying and I don’t want to move. I always think so many thoughts but nothing is clear. I replay the good things and bad things in my head so much that I feel like I’m drowning in a pool of memories I don’t know what to make of. I hope for a positive day. I hope to know I’m on the right path lately... but it seems like all I can think is negative thoughts. When I’m feeling most hopeful, something bad happens. I stop caring. I stop wanting to be nice. All I can do is complain about things that are going wrong and things that are different than the way I want them to be. 

Trying to think positive lately only makes me think about things that I want to change, or what I could be doing better with what I have been given. I’m learning that my thoughts shape my reality, but if you let yourself think and speak in an ugly way, the ugly multiplies and starts coming out more and more. This only makes me more sad that I haven’t done my best to get out the negative before I put myself in a darker and more isolated place. 

i have to believe that happiness comes from within, and that you really should love yourself before you love anyone else. Loving someone requires the best version of you because it’s whats best for everyone. that’s not me right now. I hope one day I can love the way I want to. And that it becomes easy to let myself do this without fear of it ending in heartbreak. I hope I can be light again and be truly excited for the morning and the day to come. Today I’m not. Today I feel weak. Today I feel alone. Today I am sad. Today that’s ok. 

 

Today is just hard.