#Hacked

dear hacker, 

when you stole access to my account, you weren't stealing from someone who didn't work hard for what they had.

You didn't steal a spam account with fake followers that were bought.

When you stole from me, you stole my journal. you stole the place that I could count on to keep track of the progression of my art practice for years. You stole my log of achievements and growth over the years, my portfolio. You took from me my archive of inspiration on days that my mind isn't able to figure out what colors to paint.

You stole places I wanted to remember to travel to, and writings that I deeply connected to. You took from me time that I can't get back, and now your spam name is linked to my business. Your spam name on everything I've tagged myself in, and a platform I've used to expand the audience that sees my artwork.

You've taken more than just a page with followers. I wish that was all you took. I wish that was all it meant to me. 

when you stole from me, you probably didn't realize that there are limits on the amount of people you can add on a new account per day. You didn't realize that what you stole will take months for me to rebuild. You didn't realize that I tried so hard for this, and did it on my own, day by day.

You simply took from me something that you had the capability of taking, just because you could. Something that you will likely sell for your own benefit. You have access to a timeline of my Memories that you can delete whenever you choose to. You also took my ability to link to another page for my business, so I will have to recreate this as well because I can't connect it to two accounts.

the hardest part for me is that I'm just an average person. I can't hack my way back to where I was, and I know instagram may not ever help me to get my account back because you have changed the email, username and password associated with it. I have been unable to contact a representative, and my greatest hope is that they will reply to one of the countless emails and messages that I've sent over this past week. The chances for me look slim. 

Next time, just please try to think about who you are taking from. Think about the blogger who uses her following to make a living for herself by posting photos and links to products she believes in. Think about the photographer who couldnt afford to frame their work until their social media gained a following and they began selling work. Think about the thinker who Shares their most vulnerable and intimate writings with the world. Think about the chef who quit their job to open up a restaurant of their own. 

Think about the shy girl who Has been making art for as long as she remembers. Think about how posting her work has made her become more confident in herself and her ability. Think about her dreams of sharing her art with the world, and how day by day she reached more and more people. 

that girl forgives you. She just wishes she could talk to you and tell you how she feels. She wishes she could just speak with you. She wants to show you the way she sees the world. She wishes you knew what you stole from her wasn't just a replaceable account you could sell with no personal value. 

Whoever you are @qiababracadah9683, just know this girl will be okay. She will work at her goal again, day by day, and hopefully this fresh start will grow her into something better than before. Hopefully it will make her stronger, and her audience more authentic. Hopefully it will make her steps more fearless. Her words bolder, and her voice unwavering. They do say everything happens for a reason, and I know one day it will be clear.

 ❤️@artbyayla 

Follow the new official instagram for Ayla Leisure's art: @artbyayla

Becoming

You have come here so that you may become. 

become what? 

we often worry about what we should do with our lives rather than who we should be in our lives. 

dissatisfaction with self is often the biggest problem. 

Self talk

The voices always talk to you at the least opportune moment. When you're about to try something new, or when you're falling in love. 

The voices encourage doubt and insecurity.

They make fear, and being afraid seem okay.

MUSIC

Everything I've ever wanted in a relationship in a song.

In a song played by a boy. A boy that I had a crush on. A boy I really wanted to date. A boy who never wanted to date me. A boy I believed really did want to, but never felt good enough to. A boy I saw such potential in. A boy whose eyes held the world.   

A connection so emotional that I don't know how it ever ended.  

Presence

What is presence? 

Presence is turning your head toward something. 

It is turning not only your gaze, but your attention, your thoughts. Your ears tuning into, listening wholly, to what is in front of you that is demanding of your attention.  

Presence results in knowing who people truly are. It is getting to know them, and the things they face.

It is about realizing that this world in its present form is passing away, and that we will never have moments that are exactly as they are now, ever again. 

Snafu

"Sorry for the snafu" 

Time

Time goes the fastest when we like what we are doing.  

Time goes slow, then it speeds up. Then it slows down again, and then you die.  

Rule #1

be confident in your ability.

Sometimes

Sometimes I get the feeling that I have experiences so that I can share them with the people in my life that I am closest to. Things happen to me so that I can give insight to the ones that could benefit from my experiences and use them to grow. 

It must be a test. Do I share, or do I stay quiet? 

Even when we don't know it, if we spoke, we might be saying exactly what is supposed to be said. 

Sometimes I wonder if by not telling people what I think, or not telling them the way that I connect to the stories they tell me, am I doing them a disservice? Do they want to hear what I have to say anyways?

Will it even matter what I say, or will it scare people away from me, making them think I'm crazy? It often does this. Sharing changes the way that I am treated. It changes perceptions. Instead I tell half stories.

I would love to be able to say exactly what I'm thinking, when I think it. I dont want to fear that people will treat me differently based on what I tell them. I don't want to hide anything from anyone, anymore. 

The sad fact of life is that some things we hide, stay hidden. Hidden forever. Interestingly enough we hide these things to protect ourselves. We could instead be sharing and facing these blocks in our lives and connecting with others that have struggled in the same way as us. We could be unafraid if we wanted to be.

But what will people think of these things? Why am I afraid of what they might think?

Once words are spoken they can't be taken back, but maybe we have to speak these irrevocable words, so that we can rid ourselves from their lingering memories.

Maybe one day me and you can speak easy. Maybe then I will begin to remember, and to be defined by a different vocabulary. Filling myself only with the things that I love, speaking freely about every single dang thing that my mind lands on.

One day we might have real conversation.

Next time.  

Funerals

A ceremony that honors the dead.  

What will they say at my funeral?  

I sometimes think about what it might be like for the ones I care about after I die. Will I leave a legacy? What kind of things will I pass on to others? How can I minimize the amount of things that I have on this earth? What can I get rid of? How can I live simply? 

If I die tomorrow, I want people to know my funeral isn't a time to be sad. It is not a time to worry. It is a time to let go and to start a clean slate.  A time of rebirth and freedom from restraint. I want my funeral to inspire others to live out their wildest dreams. 

It is sad

How sad it is to not know that you are loved or appreciated until you leave and can see that you will be missed.  

How sad it is to love someone at a time besides the right time. 

How sad it is when the ones you love come back to you, once you're not sure that you have any love left to give.

It is sad. 

Maybe these things are meant to show us what love can be.

Meant to help us find someone that misses us. Someone who isn't afraid to love us right now, in this moment, and is never uncertain about us.

Someone who gives everything they've got plus more, leaving everything on the table.

Someone who is always willing to help.

Someone who sees beauty in vulnerability.

A giver of so much love, that it helps me realize I could have some love to give too. 

Fireworks

Maybe we need to explode like fireworks do.  

Maybe this would make us more enchanting.  

Maybe more beauty comes from more explosions.  

Maybe we should take everything that we used to know and set fire to it.  

Maybe we have to be the one to bring the light to the darkness.

Maybe we have to become our own illuminated points within space and time.  

#Bucketlist

If someone wants to take me to all these I might just love/marry them. 

#lifenotes

Motto

Talk to the ones that talk a lot. They have a lot to say.

Fill their minds with images of your art.

They'll spread the images that you paint in their minds and in their hearts. They'll spread the images for years and years to come. 

....where are all my talkers at tho? 😏 

Affirmations

"You are beautiful. You are lovable. You are capable."

These three sentences have stuck with me over the years. I heard them for the first time before I knew what it meant to see ugliness. Before I knew that things in this world wouldn't always love me. Before I knew I could ever feel defeated, weak, exhausted and fatigued.

Three simple sentences. I used to think nothing of them. I used to think it was silly that we were supposed to repeat them everyday as a class. Silly back then, but now, years later, they are comforting words. They are familiar to me. They give me hope for getting the most out of this world. They remind me that I am worthy of the good things that happen to me. 

I imagine a world where everyone sees the potential in each other. I want to see everyone looking into each other's eyes with good intention and love. No judgement given to people based on what they look like or who they appear to be, but instead what they want to stand for, what they dream and where they want to go. That's a world I want to live in. 

Wilting

A wilted flower can be the most beautiful kind.  

Dried and wilted from a life well lived.  We try to prolong its life and preserve its beauty. Pressing them in books to keep them forever.

Picking the flowers so that we can admire them and keep them for ourselves.

If not for us, we use their beauty as a token of how much we care for someone else.

Once a flower has been picked, it blooms and it dies, but for most, they are admired and loved until the end.

 "The grass withers and the flowers fade beneath the breath of the Lord. And so it is with people."

Freewheeling

A freewheeling existence. A life that takes on whatever happens, when it happens.

A life that rolls and flows with everything the day has to give.

Giving presence. Feeding into the conversation of life and the answers it gives you. Observing. Interacting. Being fearless. 

A life that is willing to give everything up at the end of the day because it realizes that the things we have are not what life is about. 

Free of restraints, carefree, coasting, listening, positive. 

Lovely

You are lovely.

What does that mean?  

1. charmingly or exquisitely beautiful: a lovely flower.

2. having a beauty that appeals to the heart or mind as well as to the eye, as a person or a face.

3. delightful; highly pleasing: to have a lovely time.

4. of a great moral or spiritual beauty: a lovely character.

Steps forward

I'm a believer in journeys. A believer in process. A believer in growth and transformation. A believer in lessons learned from experiencing light and darkness, and all the shades in between.

I still wonder, where do I go from here? Where am I now? Where do I want to be?

How can the things that I've came from inform the person I am today? How can I become more thankful for darkness and not just for light? 

Your Birthday

Today is your 25th birthday.

My dearest best friend, I will always care about you. 

We haven't talked in almost two years. 

I hope it's what's best for you. 

I hope one day, I'll bump into you. You'll tell me everything is alright and you're changing the world for the better like I always knew you would. You'll tell me you're not letting anything stop you from happiness and living your dreams.

I hope you know, you've already changed the world for me.  

Today I celebrate you.